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Are You Secretly Competing With Your Friends?

Goodness gracious, don’t be that girl! You know who she is; that chick that tries to out do, out wit, and out last her friends on the low-low. She always has a condescending remark, quick to point out the negative, or is downright judgmental. She’s that girl every time you mention something great about your life or someone else’s; she’s quick to divert the conversation right back to herself. She feels threatened by other women, and if another woman passes by, she can’t help but make a snide remark about her physical appearance. 9 times out of 10, you don’t think anything of it, but it starts to become an annoying pattern after a while. If any of the previous describes a friend of yours, you may want to take a closer look at your friendship.

The rivalry amongst friends is nothing new, especially with women, but what happens when your friends with someone, and you have no idea that their in a competition with you? The thought of this just disgusts me. Here you are thinking that you have a sincere friendship, when the other person is secretly sizing you up. The whole aim in this secret battle is to try and one up the other person in everything. In the mind of a person like this they’re thinking if she’s winning, I’m losing. It’s this same Win/Lose mentality that keeps them in a constant struggle to win, and some don’t even realize they’ve adopted this unhealthy pattern; it can be an unconscious habit.

Despite some people being unconscious of their actions, there are those who are well aware of their motives, and this brings out the calculated, and ruthless behavior. Accordingly, it’s your responsibility identify these individuals, because rivalry leaves clues, so be sure not to overlook them. Let’s not pretend like you didn’t hear those slick comments that are always being made, or the frequent comparing and contrasting, and let’s not ignore the deceitful actions, it all shows a lack of respect for you and the friendship. Clearly, this behavior shouldn’t be tolerated, and I would advise you to confront this friend on their disdainful actions, which at that point they can either shape up or ship out.

Competing with Friends

At any rate, there’s a line of reasoning for such behavior that has zero to do with you, but everything to do with how your gal pal views themselves. If a friend sees you as their biggest competition, in a twisted way they admire you to the point where your mere presence brings out their own insecurities in themselves. Indeed, the underlining issue here is low self-esteem on your friend’s part. However, similar to many people, your pal has derived their sense of self worth based on external factors such as I’m doing better than you, which is illusionary. Just the thought of someone on the sidelines hoping and wishing for your misfortune, is utterly disturbing. Which means, when you divulge your best intentions, or favorable circumstance, there’s always a “Great but…” followed by some patronizing remark. On the other hand, if you tell this friend your misfortune, they’ll be more than gladly to listen, and may seem deeply saddened by it, but covertly pleased. This is the type of individual that only has time to listen to you when you’re lamenting about a situation; now who would want a friend like this?

Besides, with friends like this, who needs enemies? You want friends who are positive, uplifting, and supportive, and you’re the same for them. Personally, my circle of friends matter to me, I want to see them succeed just like myself. It’s been said, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”; so for anyone to take pleasure in their friends affliction is foolish. I don’t know about others, but I want my friends to be apart of my winner circle, because I recognize that my network, determines my net worth. Therefore, secretly competing is out of the question!


So, for the ladies who are in constant competition with your friends it would be silly to think that you’re doing yourself a big service by competing, considering it only keeps you spinning your wheels trying to keep up. You need a serious reality check, it’s time to step back and take an honest look at yourself. Wake up girlfriend, you’ve been building your self-esteem on shallow and fleeting grounds. If your goal is to out-do your friend; then you don’t have any real ambitions. How about you acquire a greater vision for yourself by focusing on being a better version of who you were yesterday. Get your mind right, take some time to work on your self-esteem issues, upgrade yourself, and stop using your friend as the standard to live by. Point, blank, period, quit trying to measure up!

All things considered, whatever position you may be in, you must make a decision at the end of the day. If you’re the one who’s being rivaled against, you can confront them, slowly pull away from this unhealthy friendship, or continue to turn a blind eye to the tomfoolery. If you’re the person who always trying to compete, you have to decide on whether you will do the inner work to become more confident within yourself, or remain competitive and insecure. For both scenarios I suggest the first option, whereas if no action is taken it would lead to the inevitable demise of the friendship. Above all, it’s up to you to root out these friends, and decide if the friendship is worth saving.

How do you feel when a friend competes with you? How do you handle friends that are constantly competing? If you’re the one competing, why? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.


Shawna Kay ( Blissed Out Belle )

Kay is a Lifestyle & Empowerment Enthusiast, and the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Blissed Out Belle™. Connect with her on Facebook here, and follow her on Twitter @BlissedOutBelle .

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  • Candace Fleming

    Competing with your friends is NEVER a good idea. It’s ok to admire your friends but to sabotage their happiness knowingly is just foul.

    • Blissed_Out_Belle

      I totally agree! It never seems to fail, misery loves company.


Shawna Kaye is a Brand and Digital Communications Strategist, that helps coaches, speakers, consultants, entrepreneurs, influencers, and public figures to mold, manage and monetize their personal brand. Whether you’re struggling to build your brand, gain visibility in the marketplace, or don't know how to market your offer; she is here to support you.

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